I’ve told myself so many times to just let it go; shake off the feeling. What feeling? That one I get when we talk and I start uncontrollably smiling and rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. That one I get when I see him in the hallway and in my head I’m like “AHHHHH”. You know, shit like that. Never really committed to going full “cold turkey” though. 

I need to accept that I’m one in a million girls that he’s flirted with and I shouldn’t be so naive as to think I’m different. 

There are plenty of other brilliant, funny, sweet, and reasonably attractive male characters in the world. I shouldn’t spend to much time fawning over one who’s messing with my head. 

Sorry for being such a stereotypical teenage girl right now. Blah.

Fair winds,

Angelaaaa

(had to edit because it was phrased awkwardly. my bad, my bad)

I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I mean, I’ll have little spurts of energy where I’m at a pretty reasonable level of happiness, but overall I’m just…sad? Annoyed? Angry? I have no idea. I feel like everything around me is happening and I’m just watching it happen. Like I’m watching my own life as a television show or something and not as though it’s reality. My friends will be having a conversation and I’ll find myself just watching their mouths move and hearing the mixed up jumble of words and I just don’t find it interesting. 

I have a bit of a theory as to why I started feeling like this but at the same time, I can’t exactly put my finger on it.

At some point, all of my friends started partnering up. I feel less inclined to spend time with them as a group because I will literally end up sitting off by myself to the side while they cuddle with their “significant other”. Of course, I’m happy for them, but I just can’t shake off the forever-alone feeling. As you may know, I’m a strong independent black woman who don’t need no man, but every once and a while, it’s sort of hard to not yearn for someone I can fully rely on and do cute stuff with, etc etc. I feel terrible because I’ve just slowly been drifting from them because of that. Like I’m neglecting them. But why do they need attention from me when they’re already so immersed with each other… I’m being incredibly bitter about this, but I don’t really care. 

Everyone just thinks I’m tired and they tell me to get more sleep but it’s not that I’m tired in that sense but I guess I’m just weary of having to deal with people and make it look like I’m happy. 

And then on the other hand, my brother got accepted into law school in a whole other state. Even when he was in college before, he was only a couple of hours away and that still sucked. 

This year is almost over and that means I’ll have to let go of two more of my close friends who are seniors. I keep telling myself “it doesn’t matter, you need to let go sooner or later” but that just…it’s not enough. 

I’m finally on good terms with le ex boyfriend and he’s switching schools next year also. I recall a conversation we had a while ago in which I was bitching about some stuff and then he started talking about how easily it is for him to forget about people or something; how when he transferred from his middle school to this high school, 90% of the people who he used to be close with just started not being a part of his life anymore. And he is okay with that. He is okay with that. 

I feel like everyone is either leaving me behind or letting me down. (Except for Sydney lol) And I’m just having a hard time shaking the feeling of aggressive-sadness. I want to be able to just have fun with something or someone without feeling like crawling into a hole. I want to be able to smile again and have their be genuine happiness behind it. I want to feel the way I felt before this…

and we’re not even dating…oh god. 

tbh, this made me so happy. 

happy in  a really superficial way that made me feel guilty shortly afterwards though. 

I don’t see the need for it, honestly. Someone does something to upset you, then yeah, it’s understandable that you’re angry but throwing punches or slaps isn’t really going to get you anywhere. The feeling may be satisfying; being able to put someone through the same kind of physical pain that they put you through emotionally, but really, even after you’ve done the deed, you’re back to square one. You’ve proved nothing other than the fact that you can stoop that low. You learned how to speak, whether it be in English or French or Swahili, for a reason. Use your words, it’s more effective. In my opinion, at least. 

I don’t know, I’ve just been sorta irritated with stupid people lately. + I haven’t ranted in a while. 

Fair winds,

Angela